Every communication consists of at least one sender, a receiver, and a message. Here’s an example of what this looks like.

Years ago, I (the sender) attempted to have a conversation with someone I knew (the receiver).  She was abrupt and intimidating and would resort to bullying to get her way. So, I decided to confront her on this destructive habit (the message).  I breathed a quick prayer, asking God to help me deliver my practiced speech, and even imagined a good outcome, where we ended the conversation with a hug, and she thanked me for bringing this to her attention. I believed positive change would occur by communicating my message. Absolutely none of that happened. 

The confrontation turned out horribly. Both of us fell back into our unhealthy communication patterns: she responded with yelling and intimidation, while I shut down and passively took her verbal attacks. This interaction resulted in no constructive outcome or resolution. Have you experienced something similar?  

As I look back at that situation, I can see the pride in my heart.  I didn’t take the time to find out what was happening in her world, ask her questions, or make her feel valued. I wanted to tell her how she was wrong, and she, in response, refused to hear the message. Even now, I remember her immediate offense and response, which came from brokenness. 

Trauma creates imploders and exploders. As Luke 6:45 states, “… for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” This means our words often reflect our inner emotional state. Some people shut down (imploders), while others may respond harshly or angrily (exploders). Recognizing this can help us understand our own and others’ communication styles. Asking the Lord to help us approach and respond to others with wisdom and patience is crucial in overcoming these tendencies.” 

It is also imperative to prayerfully consider the message, the sender, and the receiver before engaging in or responding to others. If you remember, I did pray. However, it was a prayer of “Lord bless what I have to say,” not “Lord help me love this woman and give me Your words to speak truth and love in Your time.” 

The root of our unhealthy communication was pride in what I felt I needed to say and her refusal to hear what I was saying.  I believe that had I taken time to get to know her better by inviting her to coffee or lunch with the only objective being to get to know her better; to find out what brought her joy,  what challenges she faced in her home, work, etc.,  or even learning about her past, I might have discovered that at the root of her unhealthy behavior was a hurting woman in need of God’s love, grace and forgiveness.  

Communication is a necessary part of life, but many people have yet to learn how to communicate effectively with those around them. I know that in my home growing up, there was the silent treatment, belittling, and sometimes even screaming matches. Trauma can affect how we communicate, but it does not have to.  

Psalm 19:14: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, and my Redeemer.” Our confrontation must be gentle and kind with movement toward peace. We also need to be wise to know how, who, when, or even if our message should be communicated. 

Remember, the Lord hears our voice when we call to him, and He can be trusted to tell us how, when, and where to confront. You have value, and what you have to communicate may be necessary, but more important than that is allowing the Lord to hear you first. Invite His Spirit to guide you.

Consider these questions for reflection:

1. Have I sought the Lord’s guidance before engaging with those around me?
2. Are there any unhealthy patterns of communication in my life? 
   1. Do I interrupt? 
   2. Do I always have to have the last word? 
   3. Do I feel I can’t say anything because my voice doesn’t matter? 
   4. Am I easily offended when confronted?
3. Is the goal of my communication to build up or to tear down? Am I seeking peace or conflict?”
4. Other verses for reflection on the topic of communication:  James 1:19, Ephesians 4:29, Proverbs 15:1, Colossians 4:6, Proverbs 12:18 and Psalm 141:3.